Dave Chappelle hosted the post-election Saturday Night Live tonight hours after President-elect Joe Biden and Vice President-elect Kamala Harris gave their victory speeches in Wilmington, Delaware after defeating President Donald Trump. The comedian also hosted the post-presidential election episode of SNL in 2016.
In his monologue, Chappelle said:
Thank you all for being here. Pretty incredible day. You know what I was thinking about all day today. This is really weird. First of all, I’m nervous.
I was thinking about a person I never actually met but I heard about all my life. I was thinking about my great grandfather, who apparently, by all accounts, was a very great man. He was born a slave in South Carolina. Was a slave for 10 years of his life. And when the Northerners came down, they started educating some of the newly-freed black children and he learned how to read.
He was enamoured with education and dedicated his life to three things: education, freedom of black people, Jesus Christ. This is a pretty amazing story my great grandfather had, and I thought about him all day because I wish I could see him now. I wish he could see me because I wonder what he would say. This week I flew to New York on a private jet to host Saturday Night Live. Netflix started streaming a show that bears his name, Chappelle show, and HBO Max is streaming it, and I didn’t get paid for any of it. If he could see me now, he’d probably be like, “This n-word got bought and sold more than I have.”
This morning after the results came in, I got a text from a friend of mine in London. And she said, “The world feels like a safer place. Now that America has a new president.” And I said, “That’s great, but America doesn’t.” Do you guys remember what life was like before COVID? I do. There was a mass shooting every week. Anyone remember that? Thank God for COVID. Some had to lock these murderer whites up and keep them in the house all summer long.
You know I’ve been doing? I’ve been doing shows in Ohio. I live in a small town in Ohio. And a lot of small towns in America were dying. My town was dying. So what I did is, I did shows in my neighbor’s cornfield. And these shows were very successful and may have even helped save the town and that’s something.
Local farmers, my neighbours, started to complain that my shows were too noisy… in a cornfield! Too noisy in a cornfield. I’d have a whole town meeting about how noisy I was being in a cornfield.
It was so embarrassing. I resented it. I resented that these country farmers could decide that a guy like me’s fate. People don’t deserve to do that. They haven’t seen enough, they don’t know anything. They’re probably watching me right now. They probably at home like, ‘Hi come quick, come quick. The from the grocery store’s on television.’ No you big dummy, the guy from television is at the grocery store. He’s the kind of guy that probably has an account on farmersonly.com. You ever heard of that website farmersonly.com. The kind of website that begs the question: What kind of b***h only smashes with farmers?
That’s gross. They had a whole zoom meeting about me. I didn’t talk on the meeting, I was just listening and they were talking about me, saying, “Man, I’m trying to put my children to bed and I keep hearing this guy screaming all night. My kids are trying to sleep and all they hear is the N word.” I said, “Well I was saying it but were you?”
He had that twang in his voice. You know when you hear that twang and you think, “Oh, I know he doesn’t wear his mask.” I don’t know why poor white people don’t like wearing masks. What is the problem? You wear a mask at a klan rally. Wear it at a Walmart too.
In a state like Ohio for instance, people make more money from their stimulus checks than they do if they work so a lot of people don’t want to work. You know it reminded me of? Ronald Reagan. Remember what Ronald Reagan used to say about Black people? How we’re welfare people? Drug addicts. Who does that sound like now? Stimulus checks, heroin, the rest of the country is trying to move forward and these white n-word keeps holding us back.
Don’t even want to wear your mask because it’s oppressive… try wearing the mask I’ve been wearing all these years. I can’t even tell something’s true unless it has a punch line behind it. You guys on Reddit? You’re not ready for this. You don’t know how to survive yourselves. But people were the only ones who knew how to survive this. Whites come, hurry, quick. Come get your n-word lessons. You need us to save you from yourselves.
Remember when white people and black people couldn’t be together? It was just white people alone in the club dancing. You ever seen that old footage? How’d they look?
Now Trump is gone. People don’t like him but I thought the guy was at least an optimist. I am not as optimistic as he was. I look at it like, “There’s bad people on both sides.” Alright just trying it out.
Called the Coronavirus the “kung flu.” I see it you racist, hilarious son of a bitch. I was supposed to say that not you. It’s wrong when you say it. I saw him at a press conference one time trying to guess the cure of the coronavirus in front of the whole world. “What about a very powerful light directly in the body.” This man can suggest that I put sunshine directly in my body, oh that’s insane. “What about some bleach, some bleach directly in your body.” Oh boy, secret service is gonna have to childproof the white house now, he’s trying to drink the bleach. “Mr. President don’t touch that bleach, that stove is hot, turn those scissors around if you’re gonna run around the house like.”
Scariest part about that? One of the leading virologists in the world was sitting as close as you are to me and she just watched him say it. It was crazy, her face was looking like he might be right.
That’s why, that’s why, that’s why women make half. I don’t know what it is. Half. Maybe 70%. Whatever it’s too much. I’m sorry Lorne, I thought we were having a comedy show. It’s like a woke meeting in here. After all that, you know what Trump did after all that stuff? He went out and got the Coronavirus. When he got Coronavirus, they said everything about it on our news but you know what they didn’t say? That it was hilarious. It was hilarious. Trump getting coronavirus was like when Freddie Mercury got AIDS. Nobody was like, “Well, how did he get it?”
This guy was running around like the outbreak monkey. The day after he makes fun of Joe Biden’s mask. “This guy wears the biggest man’s guy I’ve ever seen.” What! That is ridiculous. Joe Biden’s mask wasn’t bigger than anybody else’s mask Mr. president.
Lucky for the rest of the country though, he had a good health care plan. Good coverage. Helicopter picked him up right in his front yard. Remember that video [where] he’s walking to the helicopter all by himself, no one to be around us. Usually, he’s walking to the helicopter with a bunch of people but nobody was around because, you know, he had corona. Had his mask on then. Helicopter took them to Walter Reed Hospital. I’m from DC and I got to tell you, Walter Reed is not closer to the White House, but you can walk.
Team of doctors waited for him and gave him experimental medicine. Flew him back home in the helicopter and then he walked right up the steps. Ever seen this video? He took his mask off, saluted the helicopter, then walked right in the house and killed four more people. $700 and 50 cents in taxes goes along doesn’t it sir. It’s some cold stuff man.
That would be like me going to a homeless shelter with bagful hamburgers and saying, “These are mine.” And then just start eating in front of all the homeless. Don’t let hunger dictate your life.
Meanwhile, Chris Christie’s fat ass was in the ICU, fighting for his life. Chris Christie got all the symptoms. Everything the coronavirus likes to eat, that’s what’s in Chris Chris’s body. Fat. Check. Asthma. Check. Diabetes. Check. For four years, that’s your leader. What kind of man does that? What kind of man makes sure he’s okay while his friends fight for their lives and die. A white man. And I don’t mean to put this on the whites but I’ve been black a long time, I notice a pattern.
This is my plan. It’s called the kindness conspiracy. Random acts of kindness for a Black person. Do something nice for a black person, just because they’re black. And you got to make sure they don’t deserve it. It’s a very important part of it. They can’t deserve it. People did terrible things of black people, just because they’re black. And they didn’t deserve it.
If you’re driving through the hood one day, and you see a black dude standing on the corner, selling crack and destroying his community. But him an ice cream. He’ll be suspicious but he’ll take it.
I would employ everybody who’s celebrating the day to remember, it’s good to be a humble winner. Remember, when I was here four years ago, remember how bad that felt? Remember that half the country right now still feels that way. Please remember that. Remember, that for the first time in the history of America, the life expectancy of white people is dropping because of heroin, because of suicide. All these white people out there feel that anguish, that pain, that mad, because they think nobody cares and maybe they don’t have. Let me tell you something, know how that feels. If you’re a police officer and every time you put your uniform on, you feel like you’ve got a target on your back. Oh, man, believe me, I know how that feels. Everyone knows how that feels. But here’s the difference between me and you.
You guys hate each other for that and I don’t hate anybody. I just hate that feeling. That’s what I fight through. That’s what I suggest you fight through.
You gotta find a way to live your life, you gotta find a way to forgive each other.
You got to find a way to find joy in your existence in spite of that feeling. And if you can’t do that, come get these n-word lessons. Thank you very much and good night.